CHEAT CODE	RESULT
mpkfa, cap in my ass, or I wanna be like Kevin	God mode
voorhees	Temporary God mode
no cap in my ass	Disable God mode
lara croft or hongkong	All weapons and ammo
idaho	All weapons and items
montana	All items
bunz	Allow two of same weapon
satchel	All items
clarice	100 % health
spork	200% health
krueger	200% health and on fire
cousteau	200% health and diving suit
griswold	200% armor
calgon, mario, or luigi	Level skip
spielberg	Level select and cheats disabled
sterno	Temporary blindness
onering	Invisibility
rate	Display framerate
edmark or kevorkian	Commit suicide
mcgee	Suicide by fire
jojo	Drunk mode
funky shoes	Higher jumps
keymaster	All keys
fork broussard	No weapons, 1% health, and drunk
eva galli	Toggle clipping mode
goonies	Full map

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Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

Blonde: No, it's working fine.

Operator: Then what's the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.